Don’t let your kid do anything that will cause you to dislike them.
If you tell your kid you’re gonna do something, actually do it. Then, before you do it, remind them that you said you would.
Don’t do anything that you’re not prepared to repeat a million times.
A friend of mine shared this with me recently, so I read it and wanted to share it as well. You can download the PDF here, or read an exact copy below.
I spent a long time as an administrator of some social media sites and I’ve seen some things no one should see, learned some things about people that surprised, shocked and disgusted me, and been directly involved in terrible situations that could have been avoided had simple guidelines like these been followed. It has given me a perspective that many people can’t see. When the police tell you not to do something, it is because they’ve already been to hundreds of scenes where disaster could have been avoided. They know something we don’t know, and we should be willing to learn from others.
Some sites will allow you to restrict users who access posted content; others allow anyone and everyone to view your postings.
Lance’s comments: My kids never bother to look at technical details like this and I know that most people are not concerned, but this is definitely worth discovering. When you use a site/app, take a moment to look at the settings. If you can set your account/profile to private, do it.
Consider restricting access to your page to a select group of people, for example, your friends or friends from school, your club, your team, your community groups, or your family.
Lance’s comments: The Police are telling you to do something that cannot be done, but I do agree with their sentiments. The bottom line is there is literally nothing you can do to control what you put online. The nature of how the internet works makes it impossible to do this. More on this idea, below.
Don’t post your full name, address, phone number, or any kind of financial or personal information; SIN #, bank and credit card account numbers — and don’t post other people’s information either. Be cautious about posting information that could be used to identify you or locate you offline. This could include the name of your school, teachers, family members, sports team, clubs, and where you work or hang out.
Lance’s comments: Do you want to put yourself in danger really fast? This is how you do it. This has to be the number one bad idea that I’ve run into. Just like point #2 above, you can NOT control what you put online, so don’t put stuff like this online. It just sits there waiting for predators, and you’re not trying to protect yourself from one lone bad guy in your area. Internet predators are like wolf packs – they work together to collect and share their prey. If you put it online, they will find it.
Don’t use your name, your age, year of birth, or your hometown. Even if you think your screen name makes you anonymous, it takes very little effort to combine clues and figure out who you are and where you can be found.
Lance’s comments: Birth dates are so incredibly common. Don’t be common. Screen names that are random are actually ideal, even if you don’t have an easy way to remember it. The point is not to make it easy for YOU to remember – the point is to make it difficult for someone ELSE to connect it to you. Try digging up information about yourself – you will be surprised how easily one clue leads to another, and soon enough you’ve built a profile that just speaks volumes about you.
Anyone can see your page, including your employer, your parents, your teachers, the police, your school or the job you might want to apply for in five years.
Lance’s comments: This is absolutely true. In fact, there is a website called the Way Back Machine and its purpose is to archive the entire internet. Once you put something line, it stays there. By the way: online does not simply mean websites. iOS, Android, Backberry etc apps are all online as well. Your phone is transmitting your data all the time, whether you choose to send it or not (think Apple’s Photo Stream).
They can be altered and used in ways you may not be happy about. If you do post one, ask yourself whether it’s one your mom would display in the living room.
Lance’s comments: This is dead-serious and 100% true. I am very good with Photoshop and I’ve seen many pics that have been altered where I could not tell they were. Every still image you see in a magazine or poster etc has been put through Photoshop, edited, changed, enhanced, etc, and it is not difficult to do the same to your pics.
Aside from the photo-hacking, your personal photos also means nudes. If you’re shooting nudes on a phone, you’re in the wrong. There are so many ways for you to lose control over photos that are ON your phone. Apple’s photo streaming service sends all your pics (by default) directly to Apple’s servers, which have been hacked before (think of all the celebs who had their nudes hacked and released). Your phone also adds details to each photo that include where you were on the planet, down to a few meters/feet, what time it was, etc etc. Look at the map tab on your Instagram account and you’ll see that all your pics are geo-tagged. This, too, is a default setting. When your iPhone/iPad backs itself up to iCloud you are sending your entire phone to Apple’s servers again. When you back it up yourself on your computer, Apple wants to send it to the cloud again and you have to disable that as well.
That’s just Apple. What about all those apps you’re using? Are the makers of those apps more or less trustworthy than Apple? What are they doing with your data? And what about Android? Whenever I download an app to my Android it tells me directly what that app wants access to, and it is pretty amazing how deep they go.
If you have pics on your phone, they will make it online.
Because some people lie about who they really are and their intentions, you never really know who you’re dealing with.
Lance’s comments: Flirting is fun. There is a thrill in getting someone to like you, and being liked in return. Predators know this and use it. Keep that in mind when you’re talking to people whom you do not know in person. And consider the fact that you may be talking only to your friend’s phone, and not actually your friend. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told, “my friend took my phone and sent that.”
Before you decide to meet someone, do your research; ask whether any of your friends knows the person, and see what background you can dig up through online search engines. If you decide to meet them, be smart: Meet in a public place, during the day, with friends you trust. Tell someone where you’re going, and when you expect to be back.
Lance’s comments: This is a major concern with internet dating and dating apps, and NOT just for females. I do not agree with the advice from the Police here because I think it is too soft. The very first time you meet someone from the internet/dating app, you’re a fool if you do it alone. Always do it in a busy public place, and always have friends nearby watching.
It is important to note that predators often use a tactic called grooming. This is where they build trust with their target over time, so keep that in mind and don’t be one of those people who says, “they seemed so nice, I can’t believe they’d do something like that.” Good relationships take time to build, so put that time in before you let them get close enough to hurt you.
Even if you delete the information from your page, it’s still out there; on other people’s computers.
Lance’s comments: You may notice that this is a theme here. The nature of the internet is such that once data leaves your computer/phone/tablet (device) it is permanently out of your control.
When I was working for social media sites it was common for users of the sites, lawyers and police to contact us and ask that content be removed. This is actually the easy part because we’d say to them, “sure,” and then we’d remove it. But, it is more complex than that. If the site is large, then they’re likely to use something called a content delivery network (CDN) which means that numerous computers located at data centers around the planet have exact copies of the website. This is meant to speed up the page times, but it also means that when the data is removed from one computer it is not removed from all of them. That takes time.
Also, when someone views any content their device has already downloaded the data. It is literally on their phone or computer at this point. This is called the cache and people can store it permanently. They can also take screenshots.
It gets worse, because the website and its users are not the only place/people where your data is. When your device sent it to the internet the data went through your internet service provider’s network, which means they have a cached copy. Every step along the way (called a node) has a cached copy, right from you, to the site, to the user at the other end.
You literally can not take it back. When you hit upload, what you are actually doing is saying, “I want to permanently lose control over this.“
If you feel uncomfortable or threatened because of something directed at you online, tell an adult you trust and/or report it to the police, and the social networking site. You could be preventing yourself or someone else from becoming a victim.
Lance’s comments: Don’t feel defenseless or hopeless about losing control of your data. Even though you can’t stop it, you can slow it down. You must make contact with the site/service where your data is being exploited and demand it be taken down. At the same time you also need to contact the local Police. Do both. If a school is involved, include the administrators as well.
Predators know that people are afraid to get help and they will use that against you. If you’re embarrassed about a nude/vid of you because the predator is threatening you with it, imagine the damage when they spread it. It is much better to face the website, the police, the lawyer and the school admins than to let that get out of control. Let the predator believe you’re scared, and then bring the combined might of your defence team down upon them.
If you’re a minor and you’re concerned about your parents finding out, rest assured that they want your safety more than they want to crap on you for doing something stupid online. Yes, you will be given crap for doing stupid things, but you will be safe when it happens, if you open up. As a parent I know first hand that kids want to keep things out of their parents’ view, just between them and their friends, but that’s the exact opposite of what should be done. Think about it: have you ever had a friend turn on you? It can happen. Also, how can another kid know how to help you? Do other kids really have the knowledge, tools, and resources to make the predator stop? To take your data offline?
You don’t have to like (trusted) adults to recognize that they’re the ones most able to help you.
Finally, consider the fact that YOU are not the only person these predators are preying upon. When you take down one predator you are saving multiple people from them.
Lance’s comments: This is actually the one single piece of advice that you can carry with you that will help you in every single situation. Are you willing to do or say this thing in front of everyone? If not, then it’s not the right move.
This is not a well thought out post. I am just writing a general message based on what’s been on my mind recently. I feel like I am not the only parent out there to have been surprised to learn about their child’s self-harming until it was way too late to be an effective resource for their own child. I am still in the midst of it all so I cannot pretend to speak from the perspective of someone who has been there, worked through it and has golden advice. I am a work in progress, just like you are.
Believe it or not, self-harm is a thing that people do. Young teen girls have a slight numbers advantage over teen boys, so it is not fair to claim that it’s a girl thing.
You may believe that you don’t know anyone who would cut themselves (for example), but you may be surprised to find out the opposite.
People who self-harm will keep it a secret, most especially when they believe that they cannot tell you. They’re not looking for judgement, criticism or to be corrected when they do tell someone. If you want to know if anyone in your life self-harms you must first make it known that you’re not going to have a negative reaction to learning about it.
And if you do find yourself learning that your child has done it, your response simply must come from a position of love and support, and absolutely cannot come from admonishment nor scrutiny.
I am not someone who has ever intentionally hurt myself and it does not appeal to me, but I do know of others who have/do. I cannot relate to the thoughts that lead people to hurting themselves, but I don’t need to. What I need to do is ensure these people know that my love for them is real and that I am going to support them in getting the proper help, without judgement.
It is a long and difficult road for everyone and there is no room for us to bring along our negative baggage. I don’t know how to advise anyone to bring this up in their home without it coming off as a witch hunt, but it one of those things that should be addressed sooner than later. Find a way. If you have success, please share you story with someone.
Last night my boy, almost 3, woke up and came to our room talking about Mamá. He was fully alert, but we put him in our bed with us hoping he’d pass back out because it was close to midnight. He was too awake to fall back asleep quickly though. As he laid there trying, he would pop up suddenly start talking about his deep, random thoughts. I feigned sleep to encourage him to keep trying, and to my surprise he did keep trying.
After some time he started sitting up, looking around the darkened room, laying back down, then sitting up again to feel for me. When he found me he leaned forward and kissed me. He first got my shoulder, on the blanket, then he tried again and got my shoulder on my skin. He laid back down and continued feeling around for me. He found my beard and rubbed it so gently for a moment, then sat up and kissing me on my cheek. I couldn’t help it; I grabbed his head and kissed him back! I thought he’d really start talking now that I had enthusiastically confirmed that I was awake, but he just laid back down and put his hand on my shoulder.
A few moments later he rolled away and then I passed out.
This is the sweetest child I’ve ever met. He never fails to impress me.
You can’t really take my word too seriously on this topic because I seem to have lost my ability to talk to my kids. People always warned me from the moment my daughter was born that the teen years would be hell, and when the second one came along people found it amusing to point out just how much trouble I was in for. Hearing comments like that were laughable, and over time they angered me because I felt it was pretty obvious that I had a great relationship with my girls. To me, those people were flat out wrong. At least it were wrong at the time. That is until around the age of 8 (or thereabouts), for both of them. I once read that 8 years old is when girls start to diverge from their parents’ way of thinking – when they begin flexing their individuality, and that held true in my house. They began to really express their individual personalities at that time, and that was hard to deal with. I’ll admit that I didn’t deal with it very well, because I didn’t understand it and I wasn’t equipped to deal with it. I was also out of the country for five months around this time, and custody was split 50/50. Enough complications? Ugh.
I have found that the harder I try to hang onto what we once had the worse it becomes. That relationship is gone. Those little girls are gone. They’re young women now and they don’t have the same wants and needs anymore, so for me –the same guy, mostly– to continue on with them as though they’re still 8 (or younger) is a disservice to them. And to me. I have to adapt as they mature.
I read a book called “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk,” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish that I found very helpful. I ran into an article on yourtango.com today that reminded me of that book, and inspired me to write this post. If you don’t have time for the book, the article summarizes many of the principles very well. If I could condense it even further, I’d say this:
Shut up and LISTEN to what your kids have to say.
While you’re listening the only thing you should be thinking about is how what they’re telling you is –aside from paying attention, obviously– this question, “How does this make her feel?”
Kids are new – they don’t know until their taught. If you can identify how they’re feeling, say it as a sympathetic statement, or ask directly. If you translate their feelings into words they are now more equipped to express and eventually process (deal with) those feelings.
One of the challenges for the adult mind to deal with in these situations is to shut up. For us the problems kids deal with are simple, easy to solve or avoid, and largely inconsequential. We could easily deal with them in their shoes, but only if we had our adult brain and lifetime of experience. They don’t have those, so remember that. What they feel is real, regardless of your perception of it. To them, their feelings are their world; don’t deny them.
Almost 3 years have passed since my beautiful wife delivered her first child (my third). a sweet little boy. In that short time he has grown into the happiest little guy I’ve ever seen. He is affectionate, sensitive, very bright, observant, strangely obedient, and of course he has more energy than the sun!
Thinking about how he is developing so well really strikes me and I find myself in awe, daily. Clearly it is not my doing! There are certain circumstances required for a child to reach his potential, such as being guided through life by someone who shows him love, affection and kindness all day, every day. He needs someone to give him firm boundaries, to read to him (in two languages, no less), to explore his world with him, to teach him manners and right from wrong. Someone who places more importance on his well-being than their own personal interests. Someone with the patience to hold him while he cries for hours on end, for seemingly no reason.
That person isn’t me, even though this is my 3rd time around the block. The only person who fits this description is Mamá. She does this without enough sleep, without any experience, and without complaint. One day isn’t enough.
¡Feliz día de las Madres!